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Zen of
Sarcasm
1. Do not walk behind
me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do
not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
2. The journey of a
thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest
before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's
the time to do it.
4. Don't be
irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be
promoted.
5. Always remember
that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
6. Never test the
depth of the water with both feet.
7. If you think nobody
cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
8. Before you
criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when
you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their
shoes.
9. If at first you
don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he
will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and
drink beer all day.
11. If you lend someone $20
and never see that person again, it was probably a wise
investment.
12. If you tell the truth,
you don't have to remember anything.
13. Some days you're the
bug; some days you're the windshield.
14. Everyone seems normal
until you get to know them.
15. The quickest way to
double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your
pocket.
16. A closed mouth gathers
no foot.
17. Duct tape is like 'The
Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe
together .
18. There are two theories
to arguing with women. Neither one works.
19. Generally speaking, you
aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
20. Experience is something
you don't get until just after you need it.
21. Never miss a good chance
to shut up.
22. Never, under any
circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night
.
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